FWIW The musings of a webmaster Sunday 29 October 2006 What's this?

 

Mind your language

"Families have the capacity to destroy people, being the single most manipulative force in the world today."

So writes Simon Parke, author of Forsaking the Family which is being read by a number of people at St. Andrew's at the moment.  It seems to have caught people's attention, and that's not surprising because reading it is like a someone throwing a bucket of icy water over your head. It may leave you shocked, but it sure as heck gets your attention. Simon is about as far from a sentimental expounder of family values as you can get.  He tells it like he sees it:

"We owe no loyalty to family as such.  We owe loyalty to truth, freedom, beauty, mystery, openness and justice; we owe loyalty to kindness and gentleness, emotional and physical acceptance; we owe loyalty to innocent victims wherever they are.  But we don't owe loyalty to family."

Simon writes as a man twenty years an Anglican priest - until he stopped being an Anglican priest and made a career change to stacking shelves in a supermarket. He is also a writer, a son and a parent.  This article is not a review of his book - in fact I am only about half way through it. But what I have read so far has acted as a catalyst for me to think about the way in which we use words within our churches, and the effects that these words can have.

Family is a good example. Family service. Family Eucharist. Family day out. A family church. Family values. Even the family of the church.

There are a strong implications here. Family is good. Family is something we should all aspire to. Family is where you should be. Family is righteous and health giving and wholesome. Family is Christian.

But of course this is an idealised view. For many the word family makes them want to scream.  It is synonymous with fear, abuse, manipulation or rejection.  It is the thing that they want to escape from, not return to. Or the word may simply suggest to an individual who is not within a family, that they have no part in this family occasion.  It's like one of those restaurants where they turn away lone diners because they take up a whole table that could hold two paying customers.  If you're on your own, tough. This is not for you.

The word father is another that can have very negative connotations for some people. For those who have suffered abuse, emotional rejection, anger, or being loaded with a father's unreasonable expectations, the concept of God as a loving Father is a non-starter. 

(As an aside, I once said to a former curate of St. Andrews (long gone) that I would be interested to hear a sermon about God as mother.  She laughed as if I had said something rather foolish.  But in fact it was a serious request, and there is good Biblical basis for the request. For example, in the creation story the Spirit of God hovers over the face of the waters in a very broody manner.)

I know there is nothing new here.  Language is a perennial problem for the church. There are times when it can seem to get in the way of reaching out to others. The words that we say in a spirit of peace can be misunderstood, or received in a way that we had not intended, by someone who is depressed or hurting. (As someone once said to me, when you're depressed, even the breeze hurts.) Their reaction leaves us feeling rejected and discouraged, and thus, the person to whom we speak is even more isolated than before.

But of course, we do need language, for all its imprecision and potential for doing harm as well as good.  And we are blessed that God has made our church multi-lingual. We have not only the language of words, but of our faces and hands and bodies, of art and architecture and symbolism, of music and silence.

No matter how we communicate, we won't always get it right.  We must not even assume that it is entirely our responsibility. Communication is a two way street and thus a shared responsibility. The party to our conversation has some duty to make allowances when we get it wrong, either individually or corporately, and to meet us half way.

The church (in the broadest sense) needs to work on its communication skills, both speaking and listening. With those of other faiths and those who are not churchgoers.  But also among ourselves. We're all part of the problem, but we're also part of the solution.

In other words, I know it needs to start with me.  But it starts with you too.

So what shall we talk about today?

Blessings from all of us at St. Andrew's.

Adrian

Webmaster

NOTE: I am the webmaster of St. Andrew's Church, not clergy or a reader.  I write as 'a man in a pew' and so you should not assume that I necessarily know what I'm talking about, or that what I say reflects the views of other people in our church. To read previous weeks' FWIWs please click here.

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