Colour Supplement

Articles by Christians around the world

Sunday September 17 2006

 

Depression part 8: after 8 months of taking medication - part 2

By Gordon Atkinson

 

 

The emotional journey

There is the physical side of depression recovery, of course. It may involve medical intervention for physical symptoms and emotional states. In my case, as my depression deepened, I began to have migraine headaches for the first time in my life. Apparently, the neurotransmitters that I seem to be deficient in also have something to do with the dilatation of blood vessels. Migraine headaches are a classic symptom. I also developed a facial tick and serious sleeping problems, along with a few other assorted symptoms.

It is astonishing how quickly those physical symptoms went away as soon as I started taking medication. To be honest, I might be willing to take the medication just to avoid the headaches. And after a period of time, I found that I no longer felt depressed, but was engaged and interacting with people in ways that are important to me.

So this is good, right? Sure! Of course it is. It's freakin great!

But when you start to recover from depression, you may find that there are some emotional and relationship messes that cannot be fixed with pills.

Yesterday was Valentine's day. On this day I have traditionally given a flower to each of my three daughters along with a card that contains a VERY personal and carefully written affirmation of love from me. These little love notes are not filled with trite sayings. I write my heart out in them. It's always something special and just right for each of them. Watching them read my words has always been something I look forward to.

This year I didn't have to buy cards because I still had the three cards I bought for them last year and never gave them. One year ago I was in the deepest part of my depression. I had a number of emotional collapses that frightened Jeanene very much, because I had always been a steady and reliable presence in our family. Suddenly, with me falling apart, she was facing the reality that she was the last line of defense.

It's hard to man the fort alone. And she had to do it.

At that time I wandered into a store and picked out three Valentine's cards, one for each girl. I took them home, laid them on my nightstand, and never picked them up again. I have no memory of what I did or didn't do that Valentine's day. But one thing is for sure, the three sisters did not get their cards. I remember noticing the cards around the end of February. "Oh yeah." I said without much emotion. I didn't even feel regretful.

You really can't drop out of your children's lives without doing damage. That's the bad news. The worst damage was with my oldest daughter, with whom I had a number of hard conflicts at that time. We were drifting apart, and if it had continued it would have been much harder to set right. The good news is that no one forgives with more grace and love than a child. You have to sit down, tell the truth about yourself, and apologize. You can't make a lot of promises, but if your daily interaction with them shows them that you're back, all may be forgiven and you can move forward. I don't know if I have ever been closer to the three sisters than I am today. And that is VERY good news.

When it comes to Jeanene, things are little harder. I need to be very respectful of my wife's life and privacy, so I think I'll just say that it is my turn to be patient and wait. When the meds took effect, I was suddenly the old Gordon again. The change happened very quickly, and I was ready to pick up right where we left off. That's nice, but she doesn't have any magic medicine to change her life. And she has been carrying a huge burden because of me. It isn't easy to lay down a burden you've carried for another. All change takes time, even good change. I don't need to feel guilty and apologize a million times. I just need to be very tender and let her know how I feel.

If you find yourself in this situation and you're smart, you might just pretend that you and your spouse are dating again. In that case, "Go get her, boy. Win her affection. Sweep her off her feet!"

The last thing I want to talk about might be called the "It's my turn!" syndrome. When a family system absorbs the impact of the loss of one of its component parts, the rest of the family has to take up the slack. If father suddenly appears after a long absence, there is another trauma to the system as people try to get used to life with dad again. Sometimes someone else in the family has been waiting their turn to crash. In our case, our precious middle daughter suddenly developed a few issues of her own. I think it is no coincidence that this arose just a month or two after my medication began to help me.

So it's her turn, and it's my job and my honor to walk with her through her hard time. She will be fine, I'm sure. She has good ego strength and a wonderful connection to Jeanene and I. But yeah, there are some things to work on.

I guess I could sum up the whole thing by saying this:

"I'm back, and that's a good thing. But family repair isn't quick and easy. There's a lot to do, and it's certainly my turn to shoulder a good bit of the load."

 

TO READ PREVIOUS PARTS OF THIS SERIES PLEASE VISIT THE COLOUR SUPPLEMENT ARCHIVE

Gordon Atkinson is pastor of Covenant Baptist Church in San Antonio, Texas and has his own excellent website www.reallivepreacher.com.  We are most grateful to Gordon for his permission to reproduce his essays here.

BACK TO HOME PAGE